2006: A Year in Review

And so 2006 comes to a close. This year really isn't going out with as much luster as I had hoped...dissipating into time with more of a whimper than a roar. However, I will be spending the transition into 2007 with people that I care about and I suppose that is all that really matters. I figured I would take the time before the sleeping pills kick in to reflect a bit about the year that has vanished so quickly into nothingness. It always amazes me how fast time seems to whisk by the older I get. What happened to those seemingly endless years waiting for the bus to arrive on a cold winter day? The part about those memories that makes me think the hardest is why I can only remember a certain few days from the years I spent in grade school. There are no real, solid memories that stick out in my mind aside from a smattering here or there.

And why is that? What it is about those specific incidents in our lives that forges a little home in our memory? Those times spent making fun of a friend's younger brother for no real reason other than because it was what everyone else was doing...or those frigid mornings at the corner of Caruthers and Chaucer pretending that you were smoking a cigarette when cars would drive by, just to see if they were paying attention to you (they weren't)--when in reality all you were doing was exhaling into the bitter February air.

Or the last day of senior year when you took dozens of pictures of friends that now are nothing but faces on the wall to you. And then in a heartbeat, it comes down to the final weekend of freshman year of college...and again the camera comes out and snaps photographs of smiling faces to hang on the wall for years to come. And like a thief in the night, summer and time comes into play and those faces become less and less familiar. What happened to all those seemingly flawless friendships? The good times that--no matter what-- always outweighed the bad? As I look back at this year, it has made me realize that I've spent far too much of my time dwelling on the past and being envious of the future. Much of my life, I have always had something else lined up for me after a certain event was over; for example, after high school I had college. But now, looking back on the final year of my life as a college student, the thing that is lined up in front of me looms overhead like an immense brick wall. At times I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I cannot possibly see what is over and beyond that wall.

The fact remains that I keep getting closer and closer to the base of that wall. For much of this semester I have been able to see it from a distance--foreboding, yes, but far enough away that it wasn't as scary as it is now. In all honesty, I've had a pretty rough semester. I had surely hoped that my final semester at Pitt was not going to be spent dealing with many of the hardships and obstacles that sprung up along the way. I had pretty much hoped that this last semester was going to be my homestretch in some kind of huge marathon. What it turned out to be at times felt like I couldn't even see the finish line anymore...only that huge wall getting closer and closer. And by getting closer, the shadow that fell beneath that wall definitely would engulf me sometimes. I felt lost, in the dark, and completely alone.

But I wasn't. Ever.

And I think that's what has made all the difference for me in 2006. I realized that no matter what, I can't give up. No matter what, there are always people that care--even if those people are few and far between. I have a thousand random acquaintances that I know on a first-name basis. Many of you reading this fall into that category...and I constantly question why it is that you read this when I couldn't even think of the last time we had a real conversation. But no matter. I'm going to stop doing that. If you are reading this, then there is obviously some reason for it. Regardless, through many of the personal trials and issues that I have been faced with this past semester, from something as simple as figuring out how to pass classes that I honestly could care less about, to something as difficult as the passing of a close loved one, I have been learning every step of the way. One of the things that I have learned is that it could always be worse.

I could complain over and over about my circumstances, or I could man up and deal. And sure, there were times that I fell. There were times that I strayed from the path I was on so I couldn't see the biggest obstacle of my life--the real world--blocking my path to happiness and contentment. We all have to deal with that. I know that now that I have graduated, the future is an endless sea of possibilities for me. My biggest fear is confronting those possibilities and pursuing them. I could never answer that question about what I wanted to be when I grew up. It never made much sense to me. Why should I worry about what I want to be tomorrow when I already know what I am today?

And now as 2007 is about to begin, I realize that I am now at the base of that huge brick wall. The shadow is all around me and I can feel a storm brewing on the other side. Sometimes I have to really strain my eyes to see any kind of guiding light. But it's always there. I need to find a job. I need to pay my bills. I need to accept the fact that there is a long road beyond this wall with obstacles that are much bigger than this one that I will eventually need to get over or around. Sometimes the best way to the other side of the wall is to just start climbing and to never look down. I've spent enough time looking behind me. I need to start looking up.

Who knows? Maybe I'll find an elevator along the way.

I wish you all a blessed and safe new year.