It has been awhile.

Things have gotten pretty rough for me since my last posting. Do not assume that this blog will be me complaining--because it should not be read that way. I'm letting you all know what's been going on with me--since seeing several people today made me realize how much I have disappeared from the front lines where I usually am.

I'm not really sure what has been going on but it's been one of the strangest and most tumultuous times I've ever gone through. Not too many people know little if anything about it--I've kept a lot of it to myself and spent a lot of time in conversation with Him. It amazes me how easy it is for people to lose track of where they're going in their lives--how quickly we fall back into our old habits without even realizing it. And then when we do it's like another ton of bricks just falling into your lap. This has been my life since I can remember it. Do not under these circumstances think that I am complaining. I'm quickly learning that it is through these trials and trifles that God is working out the kinks in my life. I'm trying to figure out what it is about the point of all of it is--but then I check myself and realize that regardless of how much I try, there are just some things I will never truly understand about how life works.

I have to give a presentation in one of my classes in the next few days. In this speech, I'm taking a side of an argument and then one of the other kids in my class will be taking the opposing side. Now that I've defined a debate, that's what it is. My side of the proposition? That "intelligent design" as WELL as evolution should be taught in public schools. For those of you who slept through your history classes in the last few weeks when history meant what happened a few decades ago, "intelligent design" isn't allowed to be taught as ruled by the Supreme Court. My argument will be based on the belief that we should all be given a right to choose what we believe. I'm going to struggle with trying to keep my own beliefs from influencing the argument. I feel like the way religion has been painted in everyone's minds is a very skewed picture. As a result of that, it is this argument that is going to be the hardest one for me to formulate. I'm already going up against the masses with a lot of the things I believe, but trying to present something that already has a personal impact on my life is something I've always struggled with. Just gotta buckle down and do it though. Diving headlong into oblivion--never knowing which way to turn is the way that I usually take things on--so why should my last semester of college be any different? The difference now is that I know I need to keep looking up.

Those of you who do read this--please pray for me in the coming weeks. I have a lot of reservations about the days ahead of me. I have no money, no job, and surely not the motivation that I had only a few months ago for success. I've been really trying to stay the course that I've chosen...but as a lot of you probably can relate, once you decide to take the road you know you should be taking, you'll find a lot more diversions along the way than you originally planned. Like those long road trips with the family...with you sitting in the backseat of the old clunker station wagon that embarrassed the pants off of you when you were growing up--and you're still 7 hours from the middle of nowhere--but you see that one road sign that promises some exciting and random destination that, upon the decision to take that short fleeting bit of excitement, only further stalls you from the ultimate destination. That's what things have been like for me lately. I've been faced with some of the most unexpected and unfortunate of circumstances that I have yet to encounter in the last few months. What have I learned from all of it?

1.) It could always be worse - I had my laptop stolen from me about a month ago. I posted on here and complained about it. I do a lot of complaining, I've started to realize. If you hear me doing so, please tell me to stop. But there was nothing I could have done. And it happened when I wasn't here. I was unharmed. For the number of valuables that could have been taken, only a few were. It made me appreciate the things that I do have a lot more. Also made me realize that it's not always the smartest thing to leave your windows unlocked if you're on the first floor. And as a result of my financial issues, I am more concerned now than I ever have been in my life about my future. And then on Sunday my grandmother passed away. But it could be worse. I was the last person to speak with her before she passed. That's a story for another time.

2.) Wisdom is a two-way street - The more that I'm learning about my own life, the more I find that there are some things in our own lives that we don't really want the answers to. I've been asking God to show me the situations in my life that I need to work on in order to grow and move on with my life. I've been shown a lot of things--and I assure you that there are a lot of them that I didn't necessarily want to see. I'm not sure how to deal with a lot of it...but I'm trying.

3.) I am not alone - My newest little brother in the fraternity gave me a gift a few days ago with a message accompanying it. One of the things he wrote was very powerful to me when I read it--and is even more powerful the more that I think about it. He said that no matter what, I'm not alone. There are always people that care. While in my life those people have always been quite few and far between, I know they are there. You know who you are. And I am very thankful for each of you.

4.) I've got a long way to go - I feel like this whole time I've been inside of a lighthouse. Think of it like that. You can still see the light way at the top--but it keeps blinking out while you walk in circles up the stairs. You know it's there--but you just can't always see it on your way to the source of the light. And that quickly you're back in the dark with no way to see where you're going. But those glimpses of light get brighter and brighter with each step in its direction. My feet are moving forward...and that light is definitely getting brighter. But the higher up those stairs that I get, the louder the storm outside gets. I know that I haven't even seen it yet--not even begun to understand that the waiting is coming to an end and I'll have to face that storm head on. The interesting thing is, I'm not as afraid as I thought I would be. I bought a poster a few months ago on a whim...that's how I've ended up with most of my possessions, as many of you know. Right before all this crap started to happen. It's been a bit of an inspiration for me to keep going. You figure that one out.

I could keep going with things that I've been learning but I'm really quite tired. I'm going to start writing more frequently. No more talking about what I'm going to do with my life. I'm sick of walking up those stairs in circles and trying to find my way in the dark. No matter how I look at it--I know I'm ready to brave that storm.

Labels: faith, God, perseverence, pitt, pittsburgh, school, struggle