Random Musings

I'm not sure what I'm writing for. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the time it takes me to type all of this out on here in the first place. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, do you honestly know how many new blogs spring up on the internet every day? I surely don't. But I know it's a lot. Either way, I think I'm going to try something different. Just to see how it plays out. Let me know what you think when all is said and done.


It was about 7:45 this morning when my alarm went off. The haze of sleep still hung heavy in my mind...the faint sound of the alarm crept its way into my eardrums--slow at first, and then it came clambering in like a train wreck. I felt groggy, disoriented. I buried my head in my pillow for a moment, hoping that by some strange force my alarm would stop. The only thing that stopped was "Stars and Stripes Forever". It was quickly replaced by some default ringtone that was equally as irritating. They have to be irritating enough to make you get out of bed--either to chuck the thing at the wall or to shut it off or maybe, just maybe, to actually stay out of bed long enough to realize that you have a ton of crap to take care of that day. Today was one of those days.
I realized that my inability to fall asleep soundly for the past several weeks is catching up to me more than I initially thought. The drudgery of trying to find a job in this city shortly after my graduation had taken me to the end of my rope---and I was also realizing that that rope had somehow turned into a noose that I was precariously tied to. I wiped the sleep from my eyes after shutting off the phone. I said a quick prayer, asking that the stool not be kicked out from underneath my feet.

Another job interview today. I had less than an hour to get through the traffic that was surely going to impede my progress to the cemetery. That's right. An interview at a cemetery. After having called what seemed like every phone number offering a job in the Pittsburgh papers as well as on Craigslist, I had gotten pretty desperate. The guy I talked to made it sound pretty easy and lucrative. I figured why not take a stab at it. After fiddling with the hot water in my shower and spending a good ten minutes realizing the water heater wasn't working properly, I opted for a horrifically cold shower. I was pretty well-awake after that.

My room was a disaster---strewn with half-opened credit card statements and dozens of offers to open more accounts. With the amount of debt that I'm in, new credit cards are the farthest thing from my mind. I would give anything at this point to be able to move out. Regardless, I locked everything up and began my trek to the interview. I passed through the Liberty Tunnels and the sun was shining right in the spot in the car where no amount of repositioning or squinting will allow you to see properly. You know what I mean--where even the visors don't cut it. My eyes burned. I still don't know if it's because I'm still battling pinkeye or because of the lack of sleep I've been suffering from. Maybe both. Who knows.

The sleeping pills I took half an hour ago are starting to creep into my system. Thoughts are becoming dull. This is exactly why I don't like the idea of taking pills to sleep. My body has a tendency to create dependencies for itself. It's a pretty big pain when all you want to do is live normally without becoming one of the billions of self-medicating people in our society. Either way, the interview went quite well. That is, until the owner told me that I would be face-to-face with a lot of very upset people who are unfortunately left with the task of making burial arrangements for their loved ones. I obviously was expecting this--but the fact that I would be consistently dealing with suicides, deaths of children, and overdose victims in a little 'perfect' town like Mt. Lebanon didn't sit well with me.

I think my brain functions differently than most of the people I know. I can't ever quite put my finger on it--and for a long time I just assumed it was ADHD or something similar. Call it a cop-out excuse at this point--I can focus on things if I really want to. It's not really a matter of focus--it's more of a matter of having a reason for that focus. I am extremely ambitious about my future and want to do great things--sometimes to a fault. I have a big tendency to never settle for service and instead want to do only the things that sound good to me.

These sleeping pills have taken over. I need to stop staring at this screen and take advantage of the fact that I might actually fall asleep tonight. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

Until next time.