Listen and Relax!

Hey, you. That's right, you.

So I'm sitting here and once again I find myself questioning certain aspects of my life. I know I'm here for a reason--we all know that for the most part. And I know what my purpose is--He has shown me that enough times that I finally gave in. However what I want to know is how other people feel. I keep putting these posts up here and I don't do it for me--I do it for you. Yes, you, reading this right now. I'm putting my thoughts and feelings out all over the inter-web to be passed, shared, gossiped about, whatever. I've been doing this most of my life and manyof you who have known me for quite some time have seen all of the ups and downs. And the fact that you've stuck it out with me this far shows me that you guys are the ones I know I can count on--and for that I can never thank you enough. The thing that I'm struggling with the most at this point is being able to focus only on the ups and to not let the downs, well...keep me down.

Think of it like this: I have to write something for one of my classes. It's a senior seminar fiction class...so my last course in the English Writing program at Pitt. And rather than trying to make things up for another boring fictitious story, I'm turning in portions of this blog as part of the 'story'. I mean face it--some of the best stories ever written were based off of real people's lives or events. So I'm going to have to pitch this as fiction somehow---twist it around just enough to fit the bill. But I want the message to stay the same.

I said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not writing for me. I'm writing for you. That's why I'm not going into all kinds of explicit details about my personal life in here--because what it really boils down to is that it just doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm trying. I'm trying so incredibly hard to practice what I preach and to be as transparent with my actions as possible. And more importantly, I'm trying to get you to realize that you don't have to deal with your most personal and secret problems by yourself.

Why do we hide the things we do behind closed doors from others?

You know, I have all kinds of crazy stories I could tell. I have witnessed all kinds of miracles that I could talk about and tell you that if you don't have God in your life, you'll be miserable. But in all honesty, that's what everybody else does. And plus it's pretty evident if you just take two seconds to think about the people in your life who are miserable and who aren't. Then just take that extra little step and find out what their faith is like...and well, the answer is clear as crystal.

But that's all I'm going to say about that because when people start preaching at our generation, we tend to tune them out. I know this because I've done it my entire life. I don't have to tell you about all of the miracles and things that I've seen because they won't seem nearly as significant to you as they have been to me. You'll see your own miracles if you just give Him a chance. If you want to know about these things, just take a second and ask me about them. I'd be more than happy to talk with anybody about this stuff.

What gets me is that there are so many people who read this...but not many people at all talk to me about it. The link gets passed around from person to person, and yes, I'm talking right at you whoever you are...and there are multiple occasions that I'll make a simple request of those reading it...but hear nothing or next to nothing in terms of feedback.

Why is that? If you are interested enough to continue reading, even if it IS because you think I've gone completely crazy (which, I assure you, I have not), why bother reading if you don't want to discuss what you've read?

Over the past month or so I've had a lot of people tell me that they've been reading this blog and passing it on to other people, etc. because of the things that I say in here. And yet only one or two people have taken the time to actually discuss any of the things that I have written. I write because it is a passion of mine. It is something that I excel in and something that does not take me much, if any, thought whatsoever. It makes me happy to know that what I am writing is impacting others in at least some way...so thank you to those of you who have told me these things. It is the compliments that keep me posting.

I write the first things that come to my mind and because of that, I know it is real. I know what I type and what I'm putting out here for all of you to read is legitimate because when I type in this silly little text box, I don't hesitate. I do not stop to think about who I might be offending because in all honesty, I'm doing my best to not offend anybody anymore. It's still something that I need a lot of work on--but I've been catching myself a lot more. And to completely pull a 180 in that respect is not an easy task, of that I assure you. But I'm trying to. So as a result of that, my writing has become that much more real--I write in hopes that my words will jump right off the page and smack you in the face because that's what needed to happen to me for me to realize that everything I was doing was wrong. For the first time in my life, I put forth a legitimate effort to make sure that in everything I do, I don't worry just about me. I'm slowly but surely learning the way to serve others better, rather than being selfish with all aspects of my life. The difference it has made in such a short time is beyond astounding. But it's definitely only the first step...and I recognize that.

I've been reading a lot about David---I came home for the weekend to celebrate my birthday with my family and found a book by Charles Swindoll called simply "David: A Man of Passion and Destiny". My father gave it to me on July 9th, 1999. I've not even cracked the cover of it since then for as much as I can remember. It never will cease to amaze me how God places things in our lives in such a subtle way that we won't realize the impact they have until several years later.

And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't care if you believe in God or not...you can at the VERY least acknowledge that you can relate with what I'm saying. And if you still disagree, I know as well as you do that you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't at least QUESTIONING where you stand at this point. Right?

Whether it's that love letter you saved from when you were still in middle school, a photograph from a high school dance, or all those Biblical books your parents tried to get you to read as a kid...just praying that you would avoid some of the drama life throws at us...He does these things to all of us. The key is not just being able to recognize these signs--but being able to just finally let go of all of our worthless pride and give in to them. For me, it took the thought of losing everything I had. My family, my fraternity, my girlfriend, my own personal freedom...all of these things could have very quickly been taken away if I hadn't turned my life around and in a hurry.

That is why things have seemed so up and down for me--and for those of you who are only reading this because you "worry" about me? If you are honestly worried about something, by all means come forward and speak with me rather than behind my back. I'm making every effort to be as transparent and honest with my thoughts as I can, so the least you could do if you continue to read these delightful late-night rants, is have some kind of discussion with me about them.

In fact, I encourage all of you to talk to me about what I have to say in here. I'd love to hear from you!

And an hour later, I think I should probably go to sleep. Until next time, kids.

Quote.

"It is not revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to new and better days, but someone's soul inspired and ablaze."

~Boris Pasternak - Russian poet

Day of my birth

I'm 23. Yikes.

Time to do something important with my life, yes?

12:36 AM

You have to fight for what you believe. I'm fighting right now. I'm fighting terribly hard to not go back to the way I was. I refuse to let life get me down. I will not give in to pain. I will not give in to temptation. I will not give in to fear.

And above all else,

I absolutely will never again give in to failure.

So it begins again.

It's one of those things that everyone tries desperately to do: impress other people. I'm just as guilty of this as we all are--but at the same time I'm quickly starting to realize that there are so many more important things in life than the petty stuff.

Labor Day has come and gone and thus begins my final semester as a student. It's kind of scary when I think about it, however I'm glad to be leaving. I need to move on with my life and get to the point where I don't have to focus on things that I know won't ultimately impact the rest of my life. I know a lot of people are wondering where I'm going with all of this. To be totally honest, I don't even really know. I'm just writing because it gets my thoughts out. I've been struggling a lot lately with several different aspects of my life and I'm a bit frustrated that things are stuck in the same loop all the time at this campus. I would love to see some kind of overwhelming unity just sweep this city. It needs it--there's too much hostility and general negativity that consumes Pittsburgh and everyone in it. Maybe a giant weather bubble so that the crappy weather can't take over like it always does this time of year...and into the end of May.

I have so many ideas on how this city could be one of the most safe and pleasant cities in the country but I feel like 75% of the time nobody wants to do anything about it. Crackheads and crooked politicians are everywhere and I wish something would just be done about it already. I understand every city has these problems but these are things that could easily be fixed if the city would just start leveling the desolated buildings that house drifters and heroin addicts, replacing them with mid-sized apartment complexes or more things for people to do. A movie theater or a decent club in Oakland would be clutch. We don't need more coffee shops. We don't need more trendy clothing stores.

We need options. Because let's be honest here...we don't have many.

Once things calm down for me I'm going to really start investigating my options with the restaurant. I've been talking to a lot of people about it and everyone I talk to has said that they would love to help me out with it. Talk about something that could potentially unite an entire city.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get everything checked out. To be perfectly honest, I'm terrified. I've not really been thinking about it because everytime I do, I worry. I've been pretty strong about the whole situation---cancer does run in my family, unfortunately. I know eventually I'll be alright no matter what happens...I have my faith, my family, a loving and understanding girlfriend, and all of my friends and brothers. Without all of you guys I don't know where I would be. I can't thank you all enough. But I'll keep trying. :)

All I ask is one simple favor. Please keep my family and I in your prayers.