2006: A Year in Review

And so 2006 comes to a close. This year really isn't going out with as much luster as I had hoped...dissipating into time with more of a whimper than a roar. However, I will be spending the transition into 2007 with people that I care about and I suppose that is all that really matters. I figured I would take the time before the sleeping pills kick in to reflect a bit about the year that has vanished so quickly into nothingness. It always amazes me how fast time seems to whisk by the older I get. What happened to those seemingly endless years waiting for the bus to arrive on a cold winter day? The part about those memories that makes me think the hardest is why I can only remember a certain few days from the years I spent in grade school. There are no real, solid memories that stick out in my mind aside from a smattering here or there.

And why is that? What it is about those specific incidents in our lives that forges a little home in our memory? Those times spent making fun of a friend's younger brother for no real reason other than because it was what everyone else was doing...or those frigid mornings at the corner of Caruthers and Chaucer pretending that you were smoking a cigarette when cars would drive by, just to see if they were paying attention to you (they weren't)--when in reality all you were doing was exhaling into the bitter February air.

Or the last day of senior year when you took dozens of pictures of friends that now are nothing but faces on the wall to you. And then in a heartbeat, it comes down to the final weekend of freshman year of college...and again the camera comes out and snaps photographs of smiling faces to hang on the wall for years to come. And like a thief in the night, summer and time comes into play and those faces become less and less familiar. What happened to all those seemingly flawless friendships? The good times that--no matter what-- always outweighed the bad? As I look back at this year, it has made me realize that I've spent far too much of my time dwelling on the past and being envious of the future. Much of my life, I have always had something else lined up for me after a certain event was over; for example, after high school I had college. But now, looking back on the final year of my life as a college student, the thing that is lined up in front of me looms overhead like an immense brick wall. At times I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I cannot possibly see what is over and beyond that wall.

The fact remains that I keep getting closer and closer to the base of that wall. For much of this semester I have been able to see it from a distance--foreboding, yes, but far enough away that it wasn't as scary as it is now. In all honesty, I've had a pretty rough semester. I had surely hoped that my final semester at Pitt was not going to be spent dealing with many of the hardships and obstacles that sprung up along the way. I had pretty much hoped that this last semester was going to be my homestretch in some kind of huge marathon. What it turned out to be at times felt like I couldn't even see the finish line anymore...only that huge wall getting closer and closer. And by getting closer, the shadow that fell beneath that wall definitely would engulf me sometimes. I felt lost, in the dark, and completely alone.

But I wasn't. Ever.

And I think that's what has made all the difference for me in 2006. I realized that no matter what, I can't give up. No matter what, there are always people that care--even if those people are few and far between. I have a thousand random acquaintances that I know on a first-name basis. Many of you reading this fall into that category...and I constantly question why it is that you read this when I couldn't even think of the last time we had a real conversation. But no matter. I'm going to stop doing that. If you are reading this, then there is obviously some reason for it. Regardless, through many of the personal trials and issues that I have been faced with this past semester, from something as simple as figuring out how to pass classes that I honestly could care less about, to something as difficult as the passing of a close loved one, I have been learning every step of the way. One of the things that I have learned is that it could always be worse.

I could complain over and over about my circumstances, or I could man up and deal. And sure, there were times that I fell. There were times that I strayed from the path I was on so I couldn't see the biggest obstacle of my life--the real world--blocking my path to happiness and contentment. We all have to deal with that. I know that now that I have graduated, the future is an endless sea of possibilities for me. My biggest fear is confronting those possibilities and pursuing them. I could never answer that question about what I wanted to be when I grew up. It never made much sense to me. Why should I worry about what I want to be tomorrow when I already know what I am today?

And now as 2007 is about to begin, I realize that I am now at the base of that huge brick wall. The shadow is all around me and I can feel a storm brewing on the other side. Sometimes I have to really strain my eyes to see any kind of guiding light. But it's always there. I need to find a job. I need to pay my bills. I need to accept the fact that there is a long road beyond this wall with obstacles that are much bigger than this one that I will eventually need to get over or around. Sometimes the best way to the other side of the wall is to just start climbing and to never look down. I've spent enough time looking behind me. I need to start looking up.

Who knows? Maybe I'll find an elevator along the way.

I wish you all a blessed and safe new year.

Random Musings

I'm not sure what I'm writing for. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the time it takes me to type all of this out on here in the first place. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, do you honestly know how many new blogs spring up on the internet every day? I surely don't. But I know it's a lot. Either way, I think I'm going to try something different. Just to see how it plays out. Let me know what you think when all is said and done.


It was about 7:45 this morning when my alarm went off. The haze of sleep still hung heavy in my mind...the faint sound of the alarm crept its way into my eardrums--slow at first, and then it came clambering in like a train wreck. I felt groggy, disoriented. I buried my head in my pillow for a moment, hoping that by some strange force my alarm would stop. The only thing that stopped was "Stars and Stripes Forever". It was quickly replaced by some default ringtone that was equally as irritating. They have to be irritating enough to make you get out of bed--either to chuck the thing at the wall or to shut it off or maybe, just maybe, to actually stay out of bed long enough to realize that you have a ton of crap to take care of that day. Today was one of those days.
I realized that my inability to fall asleep soundly for the past several weeks is catching up to me more than I initially thought. The drudgery of trying to find a job in this city shortly after my graduation had taken me to the end of my rope---and I was also realizing that that rope had somehow turned into a noose that I was precariously tied to. I wiped the sleep from my eyes after shutting off the phone. I said a quick prayer, asking that the stool not be kicked out from underneath my feet.

Another job interview today. I had less than an hour to get through the traffic that was surely going to impede my progress to the cemetery. That's right. An interview at a cemetery. After having called what seemed like every phone number offering a job in the Pittsburgh papers as well as on Craigslist, I had gotten pretty desperate. The guy I talked to made it sound pretty easy and lucrative. I figured why not take a stab at it. After fiddling with the hot water in my shower and spending a good ten minutes realizing the water heater wasn't working properly, I opted for a horrifically cold shower. I was pretty well-awake after that.

My room was a disaster---strewn with half-opened credit card statements and dozens of offers to open more accounts. With the amount of debt that I'm in, new credit cards are the farthest thing from my mind. I would give anything at this point to be able to move out. Regardless, I locked everything up and began my trek to the interview. I passed through the Liberty Tunnels and the sun was shining right in the spot in the car where no amount of repositioning or squinting will allow you to see properly. You know what I mean--where even the visors don't cut it. My eyes burned. I still don't know if it's because I'm still battling pinkeye or because of the lack of sleep I've been suffering from. Maybe both. Who knows.

The sleeping pills I took half an hour ago are starting to creep into my system. Thoughts are becoming dull. This is exactly why I don't like the idea of taking pills to sleep. My body has a tendency to create dependencies for itself. It's a pretty big pain when all you want to do is live normally without becoming one of the billions of self-medicating people in our society. Either way, the interview went quite well. That is, until the owner told me that I would be face-to-face with a lot of very upset people who are unfortunately left with the task of making burial arrangements for their loved ones. I obviously was expecting this--but the fact that I would be consistently dealing with suicides, deaths of children, and overdose victims in a little 'perfect' town like Mt. Lebanon didn't sit well with me.

I think my brain functions differently than most of the people I know. I can't ever quite put my finger on it--and for a long time I just assumed it was ADHD or something similar. Call it a cop-out excuse at this point--I can focus on things if I really want to. It's not really a matter of focus--it's more of a matter of having a reason for that focus. I am extremely ambitious about my future and want to do great things--sometimes to a fault. I have a big tendency to never settle for service and instead want to do only the things that sound good to me.

These sleeping pills have taken over. I need to stop staring at this screen and take advantage of the fact that I might actually fall asleep tonight. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

Until next time.

and so an era comes to an end.

It has been awhile.

Things have gotten pretty rough for me since my last posting. Do not assume that this blog will be me complaining--because it should not be read that way. I'm letting you all know what's been going on with me--since seeing several people today made me realize how much I have disappeared from the front lines where I usually am.

I'm not really sure what has been going on but it's been one of the strangest and most tumultuous times I've ever gone through. Not too many people know little if anything about it--I've kept a lot of it to myself and spent a lot of time in conversation with Him. It amazes me how easy it is for people to lose track of where they're going in their lives--how quickly we fall back into our old habits without even realizing it. And then when we do it's like another ton of bricks just falling into your lap. This has been my life since I can remember it. Do not under these circumstances think that I am complaining. I'm quickly learning that it is through these trials and trifles that God is working out the kinks in my life. I'm trying to figure out what it is about the point of all of it is--but then I check myself and realize that regardless of how much I try, there are just some things I will never truly understand about how life works.

I have to give a presentation in one of my classes in the next few days. In this speech, I'm taking a side of an argument and then one of the other kids in my class will be taking the opposing side. Now that I've defined a debate, that's what it is. My side of the proposition? That "intelligent design" as WELL as evolution should be taught in public schools. For those of you who slept through your history classes in the last few weeks when history meant what happened a few decades ago, "intelligent design" isn't allowed to be taught as ruled by the Supreme Court. My argument will be based on the belief that we should all be given a right to choose what we believe. I'm going to struggle with trying to keep my own beliefs from influencing the argument. I feel like the way religion has been painted in everyone's minds is a very skewed picture. As a result of that, it is this argument that is going to be the hardest one for me to formulate. I'm already going up against the masses with a lot of the things I believe, but trying to present something that already has a personal impact on my life is something I've always struggled with. Just gotta buckle down and do it though. Diving headlong into oblivion--never knowing which way to turn is the way that I usually take things on--so why should my last semester of college be any different? The difference now is that I know I need to keep looking up.

Those of you who do read this--please pray for me in the coming weeks. I have a lot of reservations about the days ahead of me. I have no money, no job, and surely not the motivation that I had only a few months ago for success. I've been really trying to stay the course that I've chosen...but as a lot of you probably can relate, once you decide to take the road you know you should be taking, you'll find a lot more diversions along the way than you originally planned. Like those long road trips with the family...with you sitting in the backseat of the old clunker station wagon that embarrassed the pants off of you when you were growing up--and you're still 7 hours from the middle of nowhere--but you see that one road sign that promises some exciting and random destination that, upon the decision to take that short fleeting bit of excitement, only further stalls you from the ultimate destination. That's what things have been like for me lately. I've been faced with some of the most unexpected and unfortunate of circumstances that I have yet to encounter in the last few months. What have I learned from all of it?

1.) It could always be worse - I had my laptop stolen from me about a month ago. I posted on here and complained about it. I do a lot of complaining, I've started to realize. If you hear me doing so, please tell me to stop. But there was nothing I could have done. And it happened when I wasn't here. I was unharmed. For the number of valuables that could have been taken, only a few were. It made me appreciate the things that I do have a lot more. Also made me realize that it's not always the smartest thing to leave your windows unlocked if you're on the first floor. And as a result of my financial issues, I am more concerned now than I ever have been in my life about my future. And then on Sunday my grandmother passed away. But it could be worse. I was the last person to speak with her before she passed. That's a story for another time.

2.) Wisdom is a two-way street - The more that I'm learning about my own life, the more I find that there are some things in our own lives that we don't really want the answers to. I've been asking God to show me the situations in my life that I need to work on in order to grow and move on with my life. I've been shown a lot of things--and I assure you that there are a lot of them that I didn't necessarily want to see. I'm not sure how to deal with a lot of it...but I'm trying.

3.) I am not alone - My newest little brother in the fraternity gave me a gift a few days ago with a message accompanying it. One of the things he wrote was very powerful to me when I read it--and is even more powerful the more that I think about it. He said that no matter what, I'm not alone. There are always people that care. While in my life those people have always been quite few and far between, I know they are there. You know who you are. And I am very thankful for each of you.

4.) I've got a long way to go - I feel like this whole time I've been inside of a lighthouse. Think of it like that. You can still see the light way at the top--but it keeps blinking out while you walk in circles up the stairs. You know it's there--but you just can't always see it on your way to the source of the light. And that quickly you're back in the dark with no way to see where you're going. But those glimpses of light get brighter and brighter with each step in its direction. My feet are moving forward...and that light is definitely getting brighter. But the higher up those stairs that I get, the louder the storm outside gets. I know that I haven't even seen it yet--not even begun to understand that the waiting is coming to an end and I'll have to face that storm head on. The interesting thing is, I'm not as afraid as I thought I would be. I bought a poster a few months ago on a whim...that's how I've ended up with most of my possessions, as many of you know. Right before all this crap started to happen. It's been a bit of an inspiration for me to keep going. You figure that one out.

I could keep going with things that I've been learning but I'm really quite tired. I'm going to start writing more frequently. No more talking about what I'm going to do with my life. I'm sick of walking up those stairs in circles and trying to find my way in the dark. No matter how I look at it--I know I'm ready to brave that storm.

Labels: faith, God, perseverence, pitt, pittsburgh, school, struggle