It is in the calm and the stillness that God speaks. It is in the place of surrender—absolute and without reservation—that He will open up His arms of mercy and envelop us in the warmth of His love and unconditional grace. As the writer of Hebrews said, we are to work to enter His rest. Somewhat paradoxical, yes? Inherently this is the nature of the Kingdom—usually the total polar opposite of what we are used to as human beings.
But can we really call ourselves human beings when so much of the things we spend much of our lives on is based solely on what we do? I think it would be an accurate statement to make that a very high percentage of the people on this planet could be considered human do-ings instead of human be-ings.
Look at my bank account.
Look at my job.
Look at my car.
Look at my house.
Look at MY MINISTRY.
Me, me, me, me.
Whatever happened to ‘take up your cross and follow Me’? Jesus never said to take up your 401k and follow your own selfish ambitions. He said to die to yourself.
Like, really die to them. Surrender is the key to spiritual success.
He said to lay down your life for your friends—not for your pride.
Do we even realize how foolish and insane we act sometimes? Why is it that so many of us refuse to admit that we cannot do this thing on our own? Why do we spend so much time pruning and maintaining this façade that we call our lives when all we are really doing is keeping our body alive? That is not living. That is surviving.
I refuse to believe that this life-style is the kind of ‘life more abundantly’ that Jesus died for.
I think that it is a very clever and deceitful tactic of the enemy to get us to stay busy. When we are busy we miss what God is trying to speak to our hearts. Without daily surrendering to His will and His purposes, we will totally miss what the still, small voice of our Heavenly Father is trying to whisper to our lonely and broken hearts in the midst of a world of people who are aching for a glimpse of true hope.
The anger that burns within so many of the people on this planet is a deadly poison that blinds the eyes of those who carry it around. It blinds them from seeing the lost and needy right in front of them. It blinds them from seeing the divine opportunities that God will consistently and graciously put before them. Ironically enough, it blinds them from their blindness. It is usually these who are the ones to point the finger and say, “I will not believe until I see!” and yet in many cases the signs or the proof is right before them but due to their own blindness they cannot see! This is not a deficiency on the part of God. It is a deficiency in the heart of the person who has not laid down their lives for the sake of the Kingdom of God. Do you see how deceptive this trap is? It is the trap of offense—whether the offense is toward God or toward others, or even toward oneself, it does not matter.
Harboring offense leads to great bitterness and eats away at the mind and soul of a person like cancer ravaging through someone’s body. It is no wonder that many who have extensive experience in healing ministries have said that they have seen many more people healed of cancer when they have let go of offenses they were holding against others or against God. In my own experience, and the experience that I have seen in and through others around me, I believe that offense stems directly from desire. As it says in Proverbs, hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
The cause of this heart sickness, wisdom says, is hope deferred. However, if there had not been first some sort of desire, then there would be no hope deferred. Therefore, it all comes back to the issue of surrendering ourselves to God. At the end of the day, this really is the answer to every situation.
Surrender.
Give up.
Stop striving.
Stop running from what God has called you to.
You can run but once you’ve said yes, He’s got you. You’ll end up running right into Him. Either that or you’ll end up in the stomach of a whale for bit of a detour from your plans. Jonah was told to go somewhere and do something for the Lord—but the assignment did not fit into his own idea of what God’s ‘perfect will’ was for that situation.
We could all take a major lesson from Jonah. If God told you something that He’s going to do that involves any kind of judgement being brought upon a people group or a city, or a country, or whatever…it is probably pretty safe to say that He is waiting for someone to rise up who will come into line with His heart for people rather than giving in to humanism and selfish desire.
He is looking for someone to stand in the gap FOR people who are lost, not to point the finger and pray down condemnation upon them.
And He surely meant it when He said, “Be STILL and KNOW I am God.”
Maybe it’s time to lay our burdens at His feet and to stop trying to be God.
God is God, and we are not. I’m done trying to pretend otherwise.
I saw this tonight when I was checking my e-mail...absolutely appalling. I mean, I guess I sort of understand that they might be upset that their country is depicted negatively---but really, how can you try and discount history? Although it was a completely blown up and glamorized version of it, it's still essentially true. The Spartan army was outnumbered like crazy and killed thousands and thousands of Persian 'soldiers'. Xerxes' army was an army of conquerers and this battle was the first time they had not been immediately successful.
So why on earth would 70 million people get pissed off at a MOVIE? This just makes me want to throw up. It's like our society has gotten to the point that everyone is just waiting for one more reason to hate one another.
*sigh*
I just have this foreboding feeling sometimes when I look at anything going on in the world...just like sometime in the near future all of the hatred is going to come to a head and things are going to get really, really bad for everybody.
It's been a good while since I've posted much of anything at all. Seeing as I have literally nothing else to do and my plans for the evening have come tumbling down, I figured I may as well write. So for those of you who haven't been paying any attention to anything I've mentioned, I moved to Syracuse for a job. I think it's finally starting to catch up to me that I literally dropped everything and left it all behind me. I've never been one to really think of all the angles before going forward based on my faith that it'll all work out...but in all honesty that's always worked out the best for me I think. However, that kind of lifestyle is assuredly not without it's own consequences. My finances, friendships, and my sanity have suffered their fair share of those consequences.
I've only been up here two weeks and I miss being at home. I miss the social interaction that I was constantly surrounded with. Here the only social interaction I have is minimal and occurs during the week at work with random Sears associates. Since I don't work directly for Sears and we just work for the factories that sell their products in Sears, I don't have to really answer to anybody. While this definitely has its perks it isn't without its negatives also. The lack of socializing is something that I'm definitely not used to. I have nobody to talk to up here. I've been praying a lot and building up my faith in the mean time, which is obviously a perk for me since it's something that I've wanted to work on for a long time but in the college environment it surely wasn't something that was easy to do. However I feel like now that I'm out on my own, my only option is to just hang onto my faith as much as I can to keep from having a complete mental breakdown. I miss my girlfriend more and more every day, and just the other day found out that she'll be going to Italy for a semester abroad. While I understand that this is a phenomenal opportunity for her (one that I'm insanely jealous of), I'm having a hard time keeping my selfishness at bay. I know that I put her through a similar predicament when I up and moved to Syracuse for work...but I plan on visiting a lot back to Pittsburgh. Italy is a different story. That and the international phone charges and all that will make for very difficult times. I really hope I make some friends up here soon. It's just hard because I've never been in a situation like this before. I have no idea what to do or where to start. I miss you all so much more than I honestly thought I would. I've gotten a few phone calls and messages that have really hit home for me and made me realize what I left behind---everything. Pushing forward is the only thing I know how to do and I don't plan on looking back--it's not in me to do that, it never was. I just pray that I make it alright and don't go crazy without having people to talk to or hang out with up here. With all the traveling I do, it definitely keeps the job interesting. To drive from one corner of my territory to the other would take approximately ten and a half hours. So yeah, it's pretty extensive. It's not so bad though...I get to stay in hotels usually 3 or 4 nights a week and when I'm on the road the company reimburses me for all my food and hotel expenses and they pay for all my gas and it's a company vehicle also. Ultimately it's a great job for me. I like my privacy and alone time. But like I said, I also am not used to having it all the time. If anybody knows any interesting or fun people in the Syracuse/upstate New York area please let me know. I'm dying for intelligent person-to-person conversation.
Gotta crawl before I can walk. But it sure feels like I've been crawling for a long time.
And so 2006 comes to a close. This year really isn't going out with as much luster as I had hoped...dissipating into time with more of a whimper than a roar. However, I will be spending the transition into 2007 with people that I care about and I suppose that is all that really matters. I figured I would take the time before the sleeping pills kick in to reflect a bit about the year that has vanished so quickly into nothingness. It always amazes me how fast time seems to whisk by the older I get. What happened to those seemingly endless years waiting for the bus to arrive on a cold winter day? The part about those memories that makes me think the hardest is why I can only remember a certain few days from the years I spent in grade school. There are no real, solid memories that stick out in my mind aside from a smattering here or there.
And why is that? What it is about those specific incidents in our lives that forges a little home in our memory? Those times spent making fun of a friend's younger brother for no real reason other than because it was what everyone else was doing...or those frigid mornings at the corner of Caruthers and Chaucer pretending that you were smoking a cigarette when cars would drive by, just to see if they were paying attention to you (they weren't)--when in reality all you were doing was exhaling into the bitter February air.
Or the last day of senior year when you took dozens of pictures of friends that now are nothing but faces on the wall to you. And then in a heartbeat, it comes down to the final weekend of freshman year of college...and again the camera comes out and snaps photographs of smiling faces to hang on the wall for years to come. And like a thief in the night, summer and time comes into play and those faces become less and less familiar. What happened to all those seemingly flawless friendships? The good times that--no matter what-- always outweighed the bad? As I look back at this year, it has made me realize that I've spent far too much of my time dwelling on the past and being envious of the future. Much of my life, I have always had something else lined up for me after a certain event was over; for example, after high school I had college. But now, looking back on the final year of my life as a college student, the thing that is lined up in front of me looms overhead like an immense brick wall. At times I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I cannot possibly see what is over and beyond that wall.
The fact remains that I keep getting closer and closer to the base of that wall. For much of this semester I have been able to see it from a distance--foreboding, yes, but far enough away that it wasn't as scary as it is now. In all honesty, I've had a pretty rough semester. I had surely hoped that my final semester at Pitt was not going to be spent dealing with many of the hardships and obstacles that sprung up along the way. I had pretty much hoped that this last semester was going to be my homestretch in some kind of huge marathon. What it turned out to be at times felt like I couldn't even see the finish line anymore...only that huge wall getting closer and closer. And by getting closer, the shadow that fell beneath that wall definitely would engulf me sometimes. I felt lost, in the dark, and completely alone.
But I wasn't. Ever.
And I think that's what has made all the difference for me in 2006. I realized that no matter what, I can't give up. No matter what, there are always people that care--even if those people are few and far between. I have a thousand random acquaintances that I know on a first-name basis. Many of you reading this fall into that category...and I constantly question why it is that you read this when I couldn't even think of the last time we had a real conversation. But no matter. I'm going to stop doing that. If you are reading this, then there is obviously some reason for it. Regardless, through many of the personal trials and issues that I have been faced with this past semester, from something as simple as figuring out how to pass classes that I honestly could care less about, to something as difficult as the passing of a close loved one, I have been learning every step of the way. One of the things that I have learned is that it could always be worse.
I could complain over and over about my circumstances, or I could man up and deal. And sure, there were times that I fell. There were times that I strayed from the path I was on so I couldn't see the biggest obstacle of my life--the real world--blocking my path to happiness and contentment. We all have to deal with that. I know that now that I have graduated, the future is an endless sea of possibilities for me. My biggest fear is confronting those possibilities and pursuing them. I could never answer that question about what I wanted to be when I grew up. It never made much sense to me. Why should I worry about what I want to be tomorrow when I already know what I am today?
And now as 2007 is about to begin, I realize that I am now at the base of that huge brick wall. The shadow is all around me and I can feel a storm brewing on the other side. Sometimes I have to really strain my eyes to see any kind of guiding light. But it's always there. I need to find a job. I need to pay my bills. I need to accept the fact that there is a long road beyond this wall with obstacles that are much bigger than this one that I will eventually need to get over or around. Sometimes the best way to the other side of the wall is to just start climbing and to never look down. I've spent enough time looking behind me. I need to start looking up.
Who knows? Maybe I'll find an elevator along the way.
I'm not sure what I'm writing for. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the time it takes me to type all of this out on here in the first place. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, do you honestly know how many new blogs spring up on the internet every day? I surely don't. But I know it's a lot. Either way, I think I'm going to try something different. Just to see how it plays out. Let me know what you think when all is said and done.
It was about 7:45 this morning when my alarm went off. The haze of sleep still hung heavy in my mind...the faint sound of the alarm crept its way into my eardrums--slow at first, and then it came clambering in like a train wreck. I felt groggy, disoriented. I buried my head in my pillow for a moment, hoping that by some strange force my alarm would stop. The only thing that stopped was "Stars and Stripes Forever". It was quickly replaced by some default ringtone that was equally as irritating. They have to be irritating enough to make you get out of bed--either to chuck the thing at the wall or to shut it off or maybe, just maybe, to actually stay out of bed long enough to realize that you have a ton of crap to take care of that day. Today was one of those days. I realized that my inability to fall asleep soundly for the past several weeks is catching up to me more than I initially thought. The drudgery of trying to find a job in this city shortly after my graduation had taken me to the end of my rope---and I was also realizing that that rope had somehow turned into a noose that I was precariously tied to. I wiped the sleep from my eyes after shutting off the phone. I said a quick prayer, asking that the stool not be kicked out from underneath my feet.
Another job interview today. I had less than an hour to get through the traffic that was surely going to impede my progress to the cemetery. That's right. An interview at a cemetery. After having called what seemed like every phone number offering a job in the Pittsburgh papers as well as on Craigslist, I had gotten pretty desperate. The guy I talked to made it sound pretty easy and lucrative. I figured why not take a stab at it. After fiddling with the hot water in my shower and spending a good ten minutes realizing the water heater wasn't working properly, I opted for a horrifically cold shower. I was pretty well-awake after that.
My room was a disaster---strewn with half-opened credit card statements and dozens of offers to open more accounts. With the amount of debt that I'm in, new credit cards are the farthest thing from my mind. I would give anything at this point to be able to move out. Regardless, I locked everything up and began my trek to the interview. I passed through the Liberty Tunnels and the sun was shining right in the spot in the car where no amount of repositioning or squinting will allow you to see properly. You know what I mean--where even the visors don't cut it. My eyes burned. I still don't know if it's because I'm still battling pinkeye or because of the lack of sleep I've been suffering from. Maybe both. Who knows.
The sleeping pills I took half an hour ago are starting to creep into my system. Thoughts are becoming dull. This is exactly why I don't like the idea of taking pills to sleep. My body has a tendency to create dependencies for itself. It's a pretty big pain when all you want to do is live normally without becoming one of the billions of self-medicating people in our society. Either way, the interview went quite well. That is, until the owner told me that I would be face-to-face with a lot of very upset people who are unfortunately left with the task of making burial arrangements for their loved ones. I obviously was expecting this--but the fact that I would be consistently dealing with suicides, deaths of children, and overdose victims in a little 'perfect' town like Mt. Lebanon didn't sit well with me.
I think my brain functions differently than most of the people I know. I can't ever quite put my finger on it--and for a long time I just assumed it was ADHD or something similar. Call it a cop-out excuse at this point--I can focus on things if I really want to. It's not really a matter of focus--it's more of a matter of having a reason for that focus. I am extremely ambitious about my future and want to do great things--sometimes to a fault. I have a big tendency to never settle for service and instead want to do only the things that sound good to me.
These sleeping pills have taken over. I need to stop staring at this screen and take advantage of the fact that I might actually fall asleep tonight. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.
Tonight was my last chapter meeting of my college career. This whole 'growing up' thing is becoming more real every day. I'm not really afraid anymore. It's the uncertainty of the days to come that is what still makes me a bit uneasy...but I'm working on it. I guess that's what faith really is all about, eh?
Sometimes I wonder what to do with all the blank pages in my life. There's surely a lot of them from my past that I could fill in in vivid detail. However I feel like we have a tendency to get stuck too much on the things that have happened to us rather than focusing on what we can do to improve on our futures. I challenge anyone who is reading this to try and live for today and tomorrow rather than focusing on yesterday. While a lot of things have changed (many of them quite drastically) for me in the final dwindling months of my college years, I've realized that while we should most definitely learn from our past, it is imperative that we use our past to improve upon our future.
The hard part comes with figuring out exactly what that means.
this blog isn't for me. it's for you. pass it on to your friends if the things i'm saying have helped you in any way. and by all means, please give me feedback.
subscribe:
about me:
my name is Ryan Rhoades. i'm 23 and have lived in pittsburgh my entire life. i love the rain. i want to change the way you look at life.
do not hesitate to speak up.
